A Slayers Camping Story
by Nova-chan
Summary: Well, the Slayers decide to become counselors at a camp for kids. The horror.


A Slayers Camping Story  
  
Author: Nova-chan  
  
E-mail: IlovemenoV@aol.com  
  
Series: Slayers  
  
Rating: G  
  
Summary: Lina, Xelloss, Amelia, Gourry, Zelgadis, and Filia have all become volunteers for a children's camp. What terrors will they face? What horrors shall be unleashed??  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"I still can't believe you talked me into this," Zelgadis grumbled, standing next to Lina and Gourry, wearing khaki pants and a khaki t-shirt. "I look so.eee."  
  
"A little social work will do you some good," Lina explained, wearing a similar outfit.  
  
"Lina, I'm itchy," Gourry complained, scratching his back.  
  
"Well, tough cookies."  
  
"Cookies???"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
While Zelgadis, Gourry, and Lina were on the girl's side of camp, Amelia, Xelloss, and Filia were on the boy's side.  
  
"I think it's so wonderful to help the little boys who want to come to camp, don't you, Miss Filia?" Amelia asked.  
  
"I suppose," was the answer. "But why do we have to be stuck with the namagomi?"  
  
The mazoku was currently flipping pancakes over an open fire.  
  
"Mr. Xelloss?" Amelia inquired. "Why are you doing that? We have a kitchen."  
  
"Yes, but we don't have to tell them that," he replied, continuing to flip the pancakes.  
  
"And just who is 'them'?" Filia questioned, irritably.  
  
"The campers."  
  
"Why wouldn't we tell them that we have a kitchen?"  
  
"So we can keep all the food to ourselves.preferably the ten gallons of ice cream!" Xelloss finished, smiling.  
  
Calmly, Filia snatched the frying pan and hit Xelloss on the head with it. "Stupid namagomi."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Lina, I'm hungry," Gourry whined.  
  
"Get over it."  
  
"I'm still itchy."  
  
"Too bad."  
  
"I wanna go home."  
  
"Suck it up."  
  
"I'm sweaty."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Would you two stop it?" Zelgadis pleaded, beginning to get a headache.  
  
"Hey look!" Lina exclaimed, pointing. "The kids are here!"  
  
"Oh joy," the chimera mumbled.  
  
A group of about fifty little girls, clad in shorts, t-shirts, and backpacks approached the three slayers.  
  
"Hi kids!" Gourry cried, greeting them. "Welcome to Camp Kinda Wanna Holler!"  
  
"No, Gourry, it's Kanawanahala," Zelgadis corrected him.  
  
"Same difference," the swordsman said, shrugging.  
  
He turned back to the kids, who were staring at him, intently. "Oh-kay, then. I'm the counselor. If you have a problem, then you come to me."  
  
"I'm the cook!" Lina shouted. "I cook all your meals, so you better be good, or I might hafta poison you!"  
  
Some of the girls cringed, while a few started crying.  
  
"And I." Zelgadis began. "I.do everything else."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Miss Filia! Mr. Xelloss!" Amelia called. "The campers are here!"  
  
"Hello children!" Filia welcomed the boys. "Hello, my little Valterria!"  
  
"Hi Filia-momma!" Val waved.  
  
"HI VALGAAV!!" Xelloss exclaimed, cheerily.  
  
Filia grabbed him by the ear. "If you think you're going to get my precious, little Valterria to like you, you're crazy," she whispered, lethally.  
  
"Too late, he already likes me," the priest jeered, smiling.  
  
Filia gasped. "He does not! I should slap you for that! Or mace you.I don't know which.I guess mace will have to do."  
  
"YAY!" Xelloss readied himself for the blow, happily.  
  
The dragon pulled her giant mace from under her skirt, reared back and slammed her opponent on the head, sending him flying into a tree.  
  
"Ahh." he sighed. "That feels better every time."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"All right, girls," Gourry said, "I'll take you to your cabin. But, don't get your hopes up, there's no electricity, no air conditioning, no plumbing, no food, no carpet, no-"  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"I can take them to the cabin!" Xelloss offered.  
  
"I'd prefer that you didn't," Filia said, coldly. "I will take them. Come on, kids! Follow Miss Filia!"  
  
"Hmph." The priest crossed his arms. "I never get to do anything."  
  
"I know something you can do, Mr. Xelloss!" Amelia exclaimed.  
  
"What's that?" he replied.  
  
"You can go and mop the kitchen floor, and take down the sign you put up that says 'Keep Out!'" she told him.  
  
"Oh.right."  
  
He walked toward the kitchen.  
  
"I'll be putting chlorine in the swimming pool if you need me!" Amelia called.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"-no TV, no sinks, no chairs, no tables, no animals.except for the occasional squirrel, no telephones, no bicycles, no cupcakes, no showers, no linen closets, no toys, no books, no paintings, no CD's, no shoes, no shirt, no service, no maid, no butler, no sandwiches, no fried chicken, no chimney for Santa to go down, no glue, no tacos, and.here we are!" Gourry announced.  
  
The girls stared at the cabin, as if it was some big torture chamber.  
  
"Well, go on!" the blond said, gesturing for them to enter. "No rules!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"And, that over there is where you will be staying!" Filia pointed to a rickety old cabin.  
  
The boys were all speechless.  
  
"Well, go on!" the priestess urged. "It doesn't bite!"  
  
"Oh-kay," someone muttered, slowly stepping forward.  
  
"You see?" Filia turned to the boys. "There's nothing wrong with-" CRACK!! ".the cabin."  
  
She slowly and fearfully turned around to see that a board had crumbled underneath the boy and he had fallen into an underground shelter.  
  
"Ow."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Sweep the floor, Xelloss, take down the sign, Xelloss, fetch my wine, Xelloss, light my cigarette, Xelloss, do this, do that, I never get a break," the monster complained, while mopping the floor.  
  
He stopped for a second, looking at the mop.  
  
"Hmm." He smiled. "Hey, if Mickey Mouse can do it, then so can I!"  
  
He pointed a finger at the mop and let it go. It began to mop on its own.  
  
"Now, to find that ice cream!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"I'll go and check on Gourry," Lina said. "What are you gonna do?"  
  
Zelgadis sighed. "I'll set up the archery."  
  
"Oh-kay, meet you here in half an hour?"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Mr.!" one of the girls asked of Gourry.  
  
"Yes?" he replied, with a big, cheery grin.  
  
"There's no bathroom."  
  
"Didn't I already tell you that?" he asked, scratching his head.  
  
"Yes, but, I NEED the bathroom!" she wailed.  
  
"Well.that's why there are trees," he explained.  
  
"I wanna go home!!" she cried.  
  
"Gourry, what are you doing?" Lina demanded, jogging up.  
  
"Hi Lina!" he shrieked.  
  
"Why did you make her cry?" the sorceress asked, patiently as she could.  
  
"Well, I don't think she likes trees," he whispered.  
  
She stared at him. "That's it. Go over to the boy's camp. Tell Amelia to switch with you."  
  
"Oh, oh-kay," he sniffled. "I know when I'm not wanted."  
  
"Yeah, and you aren't wanted anywhere near the girl's camp until the week's over!" Lina yelled back at him, as he trudged toward the other side of the camp.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Umm." Filia peered over the hole in the floor of the cabin. "Are you oh- kay?"  
  
"I'm.not.sure." he said, slowly.  
  
"Well, here," she offered, holding out her hand. "Grab on and I'll help you get out of there."  
  
The chubby boy reached out his hand toward Filia's.  
  
"Ready?" she asked, once their fingers were locked.  
  
"I think so."  
  
"One.two.three!" The dragon pulled with all her might, until.CRACK! The board underneath her fell through as well, sending her below the cabin floor.  
  
"I hate camping," she complained.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Jackpot!" Xelloss exclaimed, opening up a freezer filled with giant, ten- pound tubs of ice cream. "Let's see.here's the vanilla.now where's the chocolate."  
  
He looked through the various flavors.  
  
Suddenly, he gasped upon a frightening realization.  
  
"No chocolate??? AAAHH!!!!" he cried.  
  
When he had calmed down a bit, something caught his eye next to the stove. His eyes grew big and soft and glittery.  
  
"It's a soft-serve machine with chocolate, vanilla, and chocolate-vanilla swirl." he said, as if in a daze. "I think I know what heaven is now."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Grrr." Zelgadis groaned, struggling to lift the giant, steel plate that served as an archery target. "I can.do this." He pushed the plate high above his head, and onto the target, inch by inch.  
  
With one final heave, the bull's eye was in place.  
  
"There," he sighed, "now, only nineteen more.to go."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Gourry sniffled, as he walked down a trail. "They think they can just order me around and not ever let me have any fun?" he asked himself, bitterly. "I bet if a big, gigantic bear came out of the woods, ripped my head off, ate my intestines, and barbecued my brain, they'd be sorry. Or if there was a big storm, and I got electrocuted by lightning, drowned in a flood, and got eaten by piranha, they'd be even more sorry. OR, if my some miraculous twist of fate, I was kidnapped by a mad scientist who intended to clone me, and take over the world-no.wait.that already happened."  
  
He walked a few feet more.  
  
"I wish I knew where the next camp is." He stopped and looked around. "Maybe I made a wrong turn back at Albuquerque."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Now, let's see," Amelia said to herself, reading about how to put the chlorine tablets in the pool.  
  
"It says, 'Walk ten paces to the right.' Oh-kay." She walked ten steps right. " 'Now, step onto the diving board.'" She did. " 'With the tablets in hand, walk forward six steps.'" The oujo walked across the diving board, counting out her steps. "One.two.three.four.five." SPLASH!  
  
Amelia's head bobbed out of the water.  
  
"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??" she exclaimed, enraged.  
  
She looked at the instructions in her hand. At the bottom, was an chibified picture of Xelloss, and a little note.  
  
Made especially for Amelia by the Trickster Priest! ^.^.^.^  
  
The water around Amelia began to bubble and boil.  
  
"MR. XELLOSS, I'M GOING TO-Huggle you," she finished, not wanting any malevolence to ruin her Justice-ness.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"All right, girls," Lina said to the group, "go inside and pick your bunks, then meet me out here for a nice, long hike in the woods!"  
  
"Miss!!" a girl called.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I still hafta go to the bathroom!" she whined, loudly.  
  
"I.um.isn't there a bathroom in there???" Lina demanded.  
  
"Gourry-san said there wasn't!"  
  
"What does he know? Come on. There HAS to be a bathroom somewhere on the campground!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Xelloss hugged the soft-serve machine for a good ten minutes before he finally decided to go find an ice cream cone.  
  
"Ah." He sighed to himself. "I just love the feel of the ice cream freezing up the steel."  
  
Opening a cabinet, he smiled to see that it was filled with nothing but ice cream cones: waffle, sugar, regular, sprinkle-filled, all you could ever want.and more.  
  
"I never thought that heaven could be such a wonderful thing," he mused, reaching toward a box of cones.  
  
Suddenly, his vision blurred, and he felt something wet and soapy on his face. He grabbed the substance and quickly pulled it away from him.  
  
"Aag!" the mazoku shrieked in surprise. "The mop???"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Filia-momma!" Val cried, peering over into the hole where Filia and the other boy lay sprawled over each other.  
  
"Valterria?" she replied, dazed. "Could you be a dear and help your poor mother get out of this hole?"  
  
"Sure!" the young dragon exclaimed, happily. He held out his hand for her to take.  
  
Filia slowly reached for his hand and grasped it tightly.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
"Ready."  
  
"YAH!!" Little Val pulled with all his might. Just as Filia was about to be fully out of the hole, the other little boy trapped beneath her grabbed her other hand, not wanting to be left behind, thus pulling all three of them back into the hole.  
  
"Grr." the dragon priestess growled. "WHY YOU!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Intermission!!!  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+  
  
Nova-chan: Hi!! Is everyone enjoying our little production?  
  
Xelloss: A MOP??? I'm being attacked by a MOP and you decide to take a break?? How dare you??  
  
Filia: And you put my poor little Valterria in peril, and just leave him there? He must be so frightened!! I must come to his aid!  
  
Val: I'm oh-kay, Filia-momma. I'm right here.  
  
Filia: Don't worry, Valterria! I'll save you!!  
  
Val: Woo-hoo! __Waves hand in front of Filia's face__ I'm right here.  
  
Lina: Well, at least nothing's happening to me.  
  
Zelgadis: I can't believe I've been reduced to setting up archery. And, just for the record, what kind of arrows can you shoot at steel??  
  
Nova-chan: Umm.steel arrows on fire?  
  
Zelgadis: No.  
  
Nova-chan: Alive arrows?  
  
Zelgadis: __Impatiently__ No.  
  
Nova-chan: Arrows made of broccoli?  
  
Zelgadis: NO.  
  
Nova-chan: Arrows dipped in magic that-  
  
Zelgadis: NO!!!! No kind of arrow can break steel!!  
  
Xelloss: Ah, but Zel-kun, the arrows aren't supposed to break it, but merely puncture it, and stay there.  
  
Zelgadis: Thank-you, Mr. Meticulous.  
  
Xelloss: You're welcome, Mr. Issues.  
  
Amelia: Mr. Xelloss! How could you? You made me walk into a pool!  
  
Xelloss: Hey, I only wrote the directions. YOU were the one who chose to follow them.  
  
Amelia: But-  
  
Lina: Never mind. Where's Gourry?  
  
Xelloss: Aw, poor Lina, her heart's broken because she can't find her beloved Gourry.  
  
Lina: Shut up.  
  
Xelloss: __Sing-song voice__ Make me!  
  
Lina: I would, but you'd find it entertaining.  
  
Xelloss: If you really want to know, he's in the kitchen.  
  
Lina: Kitchen?? Where??  
  
Nova-chan: Xel-chan! Shh!! I just restocked it! Maybe Goo-chan'll get food poisoning and quit before I hafta restock again, but if Lina finds out, I'm doomed!  
  
Xelloss: __Leans over to Lina, as if to tell her a secret__  
  
Nova-chan: __Throwing a temper-tantrum__ Xel-chan!! DON'T!! PLEASE!!!  
  
Lina: Yuck!!! __Pushes Xelloss away__ Fruitcake!!!  
  
Xelloss: ^.^  
  
Nova-chan: What'd you say?  
  
Xelloss: Oh, nothing. ^_^  
  
Gourry: __Walks in__ Ah, that was the best meal I ever had.  
  
Nova-chan: Goo-chan, you didn't eat it ALL, did you?  
  
Gourry: Everything except the potting soil! __Proudly__ I remembered not to this time!  
  
Nova-chan: __Crosses arms__ Just great.  
  
Val: Filia-momma is going into shock.  
  
Xelloss: Yes!! __Throws down a football as if making a touchdown__ If you keep it up, maybe she'll go into a coma!  
  
Filia: Oh, wouldn't you like the satisfaction?  
  
Xelloss: __Snaps fingers__ Darnit.  
  
Gourry: I love butterflies.  
  
Nova-chan: ME TOO!!!!  
  
Minna: Oh.kay.  
  
Nova-chan: And bunnies.  
  
Xelloss: I love chicken. Boiled chicken.  
  
Lina: NOO!!!  
  
Gourry: No, it's fried chicken.  
  
Xelloss: Boiled.  
  
Gourry: Fried.  
  
Xelloss: Boiled.  
  
Gourry: Fried.  
  
Xelloss: BOILED.  
  
Gourry: FRIED!!  
  
Xelloss: Boiled, boiled, boiled, boiled, boiled, boiled, boiled, boiled.I can't say it anymore. It hurts my tongue.  
  
Gourry: Haha! You submit to the succulent flavor of fried, which I can say as many times as I want, without even a twinge of pain!! FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED, FRIED!!!!! :P Nyah!!  
  
Lina: __Sighs__ You just HAD to get him started, didn't you?  
  
Xelloss: It's my job, as the Trickster Priest!! HAHAHAHAAAHAHA!!  
  
Zelgadis: Urgh.  
  
Nova-chan: Aw, whatsa matter, my poor lil Zel-chan?  
  
Amelia: Oh, Mr. Zelgadis! Are you sunburned?  
  
Zelgadis: __Suddenly explodes on Amelia__ WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME IF I'M SUNBURNED??? I ALWAYS SAY NO!!!  
  
Amelia: Geez, crabby-pants.  
  
Zelgadis: All I want is some coffee.  
  
Nova-chan: Well, today is your lucky day! I will give you my Swimming Pool Full of Various Liquids, if you can answer one, simple question.  
  
Zelgadis: And?  
  
Nova-chan: And the question is.  
  
Xelloss: __Whispers to NoV__  
  
Nova-chan: What color is Xelloss' under-things??  
  
Zelgadis: Umm. __Starts sweating, as he sees the giant swimming pool full of coffee__ Purple?  
  
***Buzzer Sounds***  
  
Nova-chan: Nope! Sorry! It was a trick question! He's not wearing under- things!  
  
Lina: Oh-kay. Let's re-start the fic. NOW.  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Back to the fic!!  
  
  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+  
  
  
  
Zelgadis had finally finished putting up the last target. He wiped the sweat from his rocky brow.  
  
"Phew!"  
  
He marveled at his work.  
  
"I'm good," he bragged to himself.  
  
The chimera was so wrapped up in gloating, that he failed to notice the target next to him beginning to slide off.  
  
However, he did notice when it fell on his foot, making a loud "DONG!!"  
  
Zelgadis' eyes brimmed with tears for a few seconds, before he let out all his anguish.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Lina walked through the cabin with the little girl in tow.  
  
  
  
Voice From Above: What's your name, so I can stop calling you 'Little Girl'??  
  
Little Girl: My name is Cookie!!  
  
VFA: Cookie?  
  
LG: Yep!!! My mom likes snacks.  
  
VFA: Oh-kay.  
  
Cookie and Lina soon came to a forked-passage in the large cabin.  
  
"Which way?" Lina asked herself, debating.  
  
"Maybe you should go one way, and I can go the other?" Cookie offered.  
  
The red-haired sorceress thought for a moment.  
  
"Oh-kay. You go left, and I'll go right."  
  
"Right!" Cookie exclaimed.  
  
"No, you go left!"  
  
"Left?"  
  
"Right!"  
  
"Right?"  
  
"No! Left!!"  
  
"MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!" Cookie screamed.  
  
"JUST GO THAT WAY!!!" Lina screamed back, pointing to the left.  
  
"FINE!!!"  
  
"Well.IT WAS FINE WITH ME FIRST!!"  
  
"NO IT WASN'T!!!"  
  
"Grr."  
  
"Grr."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Filia, Val and the little boy.  
  
VFA: What's your name?  
  
LB: Cream!!  
  
VFA: Cream?  
  
LB: I'm Cookie's brother.  
  
VFA: Cookie and Cream.Oh-kay.  
  
Filia, Val and Cream sat under the cabin, trying to think of a way out.  
  
"We could stand on each other's shoulders and climb out," Val suggested.  
  
"That's a wonderful idea, Valterria-chan!! But, then whoever is on bottom will be stuck," Filia told him.  
  
"Maybe we could climb out on a rope," Cream proposed.  
  
"That would work.IF WE HAD A ROPE!!!" Filia yelled.  
  
"Oh-kay.we could use.your dress as a rope!"  
  
"Don't even think about it, icing-boy."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Amelia floated in the war, brewing and contemplating about Xelloss' "huggling" demise.  
  
She felt a little nibble on her toes, but shrugged it off, kicking her foot. Soon, the nibbling turned to biting, and the biting to chomping.  
  
When the chomping become too much to bare, Amelia thrust her head underneath the water. What she saw, did not please her.  
  
"AAAAAAHHH!!!" she shrieked, jumping out of the pool. "PIRANHA!!!!" Unfortunately, she only fell back into the pool.  
  
As quickly as possible, she frantically swam toward the edge of the pool, the piranha biting all the way.  
  
Finally, after a torturous swim, she made it to the edge and quickly hopped out.  
  
"That was a close one!" She smiled, feeling the danger had passed.  
  
Awkwardly, that wasn't the only thing she felt. The princess turned around to see that one of the piranha had clamped onto her backside.  
  
She sniffled, then began ranting at it.  
  
"MR-or Miss-PIRANHA!!! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO EAT MY BOTTOM, BECAUSE IT IS UNJUST AND MEAN AND SELFISH, AND HOW DARE YOU!!!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"I wish I had a compass," Gourry said to himself. "Or a map.or a buffet.or a car.or a magic wand.or a picnic.or a solar-powered hot dog cooker.and some hot dogs.or a shiny penny.or a fish.or a house.or a life.or a-hey look!! It's a cute, lil bunny! Hi bunny!!"  
  
The rabbit hopped over to the swordsman and sniffed him.  
  
"Aw! You like me, huh?" the blond asked, happily. "I wish I had some food.not for you. But for me. Sorry, but if I had a buffet, and both of us were starving, you know who'd be the one to die." He winked.  
  
The bunny suddenly jumped on him and slipped into his shirt.  
  
"Aaah!" Gourry screamed, but then realized that it wasn't hurting him. "Hehehee!! That tickles! Cut it out!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Xelloss stared, wide-eyed at the array of mops that stood before him.  
  
"Hmm." he thought. "Didn't I only cast a spell on one of you?"  
  
The mops hissed and reared back, ready to attack the mazoku at any moment.  
  
"Um.listen," he said, trying to reason with them, "why don't you all just go back into the closet where you belong? We can schedule a counseling group next Wednesday. I'm sure you all have a lot of anger you need to talk out."  
  
At that, the mops lunged forward, besieging the poor monster, and at the same time, getting him really, really clean.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"SHUT UP, YOU INSOLENT BRAT!!" Lina yelled.  
  
"YOU SHUT UP, YOU DERANGED COUNSELOR!!" Cookie shouted back.  
  
"Look, just go, and LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!!!!"  
  
"FINE!!!"  
  
"FINE!!!"  
  
VFA: JUST GO!!!!  
  
Finally, after much sweat, blood, and deliberation, Lina and Cookie parted ways and walked down their individual hallways.  
  
"What a brat," Lina said to herself. "Now, if I just follow this hall, I should come out somewhere."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
At last, Zelgadis managed to remove the giant steel plate from his foot.which was now flattened.  
  
He sniffled. "I'm sorry, foot. I'm sorry toes," he choked out. "I never meant for this to happen. If I had known what would become of you, I would have worn thicker shoes!!!!"  
  
He began to limp toward the first aid station, which happened to be very close, thankfully.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"AND ANOTHER THING, MR-or Miss-PIRANHA, YOU SHOULD LEARN TO MEND YOUR WAYS BEFORE THE BRINGER OF JUSTICE BRINGS JUSTICE TO YOU AND ALL OF YOUR PIRANHA FRIENDS!!"  
  
By the end of Amelia's speech, the poor piranha was in tears, and decided to rectify its lifestyle and file down its teeth, so as not to give in to the temptation.  
  
Amelia rubbed her hands together. "Now, that I have changed his life forever, I will put the chlorine tablets.AHA! Justice has served us well! While I was taken by surprise and doused under the water, I dropped the tablets into the pool! Victory!" she shouted, making a peace sign.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"I've got it!" Filia shrieked. "All we hafta do is call for help. If Lina- san or one of them hears us, they'll come to our aid!"  
  
"But, Filia-momma, what if they don't come?" Val asked, curiously.  
  
"Oh, they'll come!" The priestess laughed insanely. "THEY'LL COME, ALL RIGHT!! HAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Gourry giggled, still feeling the rabbit crawling around in his shirt.  
  
"Heheheheehehe-AAGGG!!! No eating my belly-button!!!" he cried. "OW! OW!!!"  
  
Desperately, yet extremely funny to anyone who might have witnessed it, Gourry tried his hardest to get the rabbit out of his shirt before he lost all of his organs to it.  
  
"HELP!! HELP!! IT'S A BUNNY ATTACK!!! AAAAHH!!" he screamed, running in a direction that he hoped was toward one of the campsites.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Lina kept walking around the cabin, which was larger than it had appeared.  
  
"I know I passed by that wall at least three times," she muttered. "But, then again-" She paused dramatically. "Don't all the walls in this place look the same? OH, THE HUMANITY!!!!"  
  
The sorceress took off in a frenzied run.  
  
"Must.find.way.out." she chanted.  
  
She stopped when she found a door.  
  
"AHA!! Finally, freedom!!!"  
  
Flinging open the door, the dragon slayer jumped to the floor inside and kissed it.  
  
"I love you, thank-you, oh marvelous and wonderful gods of this door! Thank- you, thank-you!!!"  
  
"Hello? Anyone there?" someone called out from the room.  
  
"Hmm?" Lina wondered, standing up. "Who's there?"  
  
"Oh, it's only me, Kimi-san," the person answered, stepping forward. The girl had the appearance of an old woman, yet wore kindergarten-style clothes that she had long-since grown out of.  
  
"Who are you? What are you doing here?" Lina asked.  
  
"Well." Kimi-san began. "A long time ago, when I was a little girl, I came to this camp. I took a wrong turn somewhere, and haven't found my way out since. It's been sixty-seven years since I've seen another person, and I must tell you, it's an honor to meet you!"  
  
"Um.so, you're telling me that you haven't been able to find a way out for sixty-seven years?"  
  
"Well, not exactly," the older woman said, faltering. "I gave up after the first thirty."  
  
"NOOO!!" Lina suddenly screamed. "I WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!! NOT TO ME!!! RAY WING!!!"  
  
And with that, she flew straight through the roof and away from the cabin.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Slowly, Zelgadis made his way to the first aid room. He opened the door and looked for some pain reliever for both his foot and his head.  
  
The only thing he found was some old aspirin, but he decided that it would have to do.  
  
"I wonder how many I'm supposed to take," he said to himself, trying to read the label that had long ago been lost to dust and mildew. "Hmm.oh well."  
  
He emptied the fifteen tablets into his hand, grabbed a glass of water, threw them all into his mouth, and quickly swallowed them.  
  
"I'll feel better in no time at all."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Amelia, feeling much more confident in herself and her idol, Justice, walked toward the kitchen to see if Xelloss had done as she had asked.  
  
"It's so wonderful to know that I made a difference in a piranha's life," she told herself. "If I can change one, I can change them all!!"  
  
The oujo stopped dead in her tracks, hearing shouting in the distance. She looked toward the noise.  
  
"Mr. Gourry??" She gasped.  
  
"AAAH!! AAAAAHH!!! HELP ME HELP ME!!!!" Gourry screamed, grabbing at a lump in his shirt. "AMELIA!! RUN AWAY BEFORE IT GETS YOU TOO!!! AAAAAHHHH!! IT'S GOING TO EAT MY PANCREAS!!!!"  
  
Fearful for her companion's sanity, Amelia took off running toward the pool.  
  
She watched, sadly, from behind a fence, as he ran around the field, screaming and wailing, trying to rip his shirt off.  
  
"Mr. Gourry's gone insane," she said, grievously.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"AAGG!!" Xelloss cried, trying to fight off the mops that hadn't revealed their purpose in attacking him yet.  
  
"Blast bomb!!!"  
  
The attack dispersed them for a minute, but they soon regrouped and came back towards him, lingeringly.  
  
"S-stay back!! I'm warning you!! I'll open a can of you-know-what!!! I'll put you in a paper shredder! I'll put you in the disposal! I'll give you my cloak! I'll give you my bag of stuff that I collect for the fun of it!! I'll give you my stick!!" he exclaimed, shoving forth his staff.  
  
The mops stopped and "looked" at the marvelous object. They turned around and appeared to be discussing the matter.  
  
What Xelloss believed to be the mop leader came forward and nodded its "head."  
  
"Y-you want my staff?" the mazoku asked, incredulously.  
  
The mop nodded again.  
  
"Umm.oh-kay."  
  
Xelloss handed the mop his staff, to have it snatched away.  
  
The mops carried it over to a table in the cafeteria.  
  
The monster followed them, watching.  
  
The leader mop stood it up on the table, and bowed to it. Similarly, the rest of the mops bowed and worshipped it.  
  
Xelloss, nearly in tears, laughed and said, "Imagine that. My staff, the mop-god."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Lina-san!!!" Filia cried from her hole.  
  
"Xelloss-san!!" Val shouted.  
  
"Don't ask for his help!" the priestess exclaimed, turning up her nose.  
  
"But, Filia-momma," Val argued, "if he were the only person within a one- hundred mile radius, wouldn't you want him to help us?"  
  
"NO."  
  
"What if he was the only person on earth?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"What if he was the only person besides us in existence?"  
  
"No, Valterria, not even then.no wait.maybe.but, only if he volunteered to take me out to dinner afterwards."  
  
The young dragon stared at his "Filia-momma." He turned to Cream.  
  
"I think she's getting cabin fever or something."  
  
Cream nodded, backing away from her a bit.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
  
  
Intermission Part 2!!!!!  
  
  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+  
  
  
  
Lina: Thank-you for getting me out of the cabin.  
  
Amelia: I changed the life of a piranha forever!!  
  
Xelloss: First, I was attacked by mops, and now they think my staff is a mop-god?? What were you thinking??  
  
Nova-chan: .that it would be really, really funny.  
  
Filia: __Outraged__ Nova-chan!!! It is no laughing matter that I said that about that namagomi!!! I would never, ever, ever, not even if he were the last person in existence, and the universe's dependence depended on us going out, I would never go out with him!!  
  
Xelloss: Oh, Miss Filia has a first name, it's R-E-D-U-N-D-A-N-T. Miss Filia has a second name it's-  
  
Xelloss stops as he notices Filia glaring at him.  
  
Xelloss: --Miss-Nice-Person-Who-Would-Never-Hurt-A-Fly-And-Especially-Not- One-Named-Xelloss!!  
  
Filia: You had better be grateful that my little Valterria is here, because I wouldn't want to scar his innocent, little mind with your filthy blood!  
  
Val: I'll close my eyes! You can go ahead, Filia-momma!  
  
Xelloss: __Cut-throat signal__  
  
Zelgadis: __Ignoring the soon-to-be-bloodbath__ Nova-chan, I'm gonna go into a coma.  
  
Nova-chan: Why?  
  
Zelgadis: Because I took fifteen aspirins!  
  
Nova-chan: Did you?  
  
Zelgadis: Whaddayou mean 'did you?'?? Of course, I did! You're the one who wrote it!!  
  
Nova-chan: Hmm.I don't remember that.  
  
Zelgadis: Why?? Why must I be cursed so??  
  
Gourry: Ahh.hey, Nova-chan, you're gonna hafta restock the kitchen again.  
  
Nova-chan: __Glares at Gourry__ I BUILT A KITCHEN BIG ENOUGH TO FEED TWENTY- BAZILLION GOKU'S AND YOU KEEP EATING ALL THE FOOD IN IT!!! WHY??? I ASK YOU, WHY?????  
  
Gourry: Well, duh, Nova-chan, because I'm hungry.  
  
Nova-chan: -.-0 Never mind. Let's just go back to the fic, before Xelloss and Gourry die mercilessly at the hands of a blond, before Val's mind is scarred, before Zelgadis has a nervous breakdown, and before Lina finds something to complain about.  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Back to the.future!!! (not really.)  
  
  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+  
  
Nova-chan: Do you know how much time it takes to make all those symbols?  
  
Xelloss: Then why do you keep doing it?  
  
Nova-chan: Because it looks like curtains.  
  
Zelgadis: No, it doesn't.  
  
Nova-chan: Yes, it does.  
  
Zelgadis: No, it doesn't.  
  
Nova-chan: Yes, it does!!  
  
Filia: You know, it really doesn't.  
  
Nova-chan: Xel-chan!! You believe me, doncha?  
  
Xelloss: You'll get the same answer that I'd get if I asked you if you wanted to go skinny-dipping in a teaspoon of water.  
  
Nova-chan: -.- .WHAT????  
  
Xelloss: Never mind. My answer is no.  
  
Nova-chan: ;_; Lina-chan? You believe curtain yes?  
  
Lina: Sadly, no. It looks like asterisks and plus signs to me.  
  
Nova-chan: Val-chan curtain?  
  
Val: Um.it looks kinda like clotheslines with clothespins.  
  
Nova-chan: Amelia look curtain?  
  
Amelia: Um.I.  
  
Nova-chan: Goo curtain?  
  
Gourry: Goo what?  
  
Nova-chan: Curtain? Goo-chan? Believe? Look? Curtain?  
  
Gourry: What?  
  
Xelloss: Oh-kay, if you're gonna start talking in incomplete thoughts, then I believe you. They look like curtains. Satisfied??  
  
Nova-chan: __Snuggles with Xelloss__ Nova-chan love Xel-chan.  
  
Xelloss: Oh-kay, yes. Xel-chan lo-lo-have affection for Nova-chan too.  
  
Nova-chan: Fic now!  
  
Xelloss: Fic now.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Nova-chan love fic!!  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Nova-chan make new symbols!!  
  
  
  
**  
  
Nova-chan love symbols!!  
  
  
  
#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$ #$#$#$  
  
Zelgadis: That looks like a fence.  
  
Xelloss: Don't encourage it!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Fic start now!!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Zelgadis looked around for some bandages. He found a cabinet, and decided to open it to check.  
  
There, laying on top of some rubbing alcohol, were some tan-ish bandages, just waiting for him to use.  
  
As he reached for them, however, his vision started to get blurry.  
  
"Oh." he groaned. "I need to sit.make that lie down."  
  
Feeling around for something soft to lie on, he bumped his head on one of the lower cabinets, and fell on the ground, out cold.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
While Lina was flying toward the opposite campsite, she heard shouting, and decided to fly down to check it out.  
  
She arrived at the boys' cabin, as the shouting grew louder.  
  
A group of boys stood around the door, looking over into a hole.  
  
"What is it??" Lina demanded. "What's going on??"  
  
The boys pointed to the hole.  
  
"Help!" someone yelled from below. "We're trapped!!"  
  
The fiery sorceress looked down into the small shaft, to see Filia, Val, and Cream.  
  
"What happened?" she snickered.  
  
"It's not funny!!" Filia exclaimed. "Get us out of here!!"  
  
"Here, grab my hand," Lina offered, still snickering.  
  
One by one, all three of them were pulled out of the hole that had been their prison for so long.  
  
The dragon priestess' eyes grew large and sparkly.  
  
"Lina-san, thank-you, for saving my lil Valterria," she said.  
  
"Aw, Filia-momma!" Val exclaimed, blushing.  
  
"I'm ready to leave and never come back," Lina said. "Anybody with me?"  
  
Filia and Val raised their hands quickly.  
  
"Let's go, then."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Mr. Gourry, maybe you should rest for awhile," Amelia reasoned with the blubbering, screaming mass of flesh and blond hair. "I bet you'd feel a whole lot better if you did. This heat is probably getting to you."  
  
"BUT, AMELIA!!!" he cried. "THE BUNNYYYYYYYY!!!!!"  
  
"Don't make me get out the strait jacket, Mr. Gourry," the oujo said, threateningly.  
  
"I'm not kidding!" Gourry wailed. "It's going to-to-EAT MY ADRENAL GLAND!!!!"  
  
"Mr. Gourry, be reasonable! Why would a sweet, little bunny want to eat your adrenal gland?"  
  
"Because it's not a 'sweet, lil bunny'!!!!" he shouted, jumping in front of her. "It's an EVIL, APOCALYPTIC, CORRUPT, SINISTER, HELL-RABBIT!!!!"  
  
"Oh-kay," Amelia sighed, "I didn't want to have to do this, Mr. Gourry, but I'm going to have to check you into a mental institution."  
  
"WITH THE RABBIT?? NO!!!!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Listen," Xelloss said, tiredly, "it's been fun and all, but my staff and I really hafta go now, so if you'll excuse-" He stopped reaching for his staff when the mops glared at him. "Of course.I suppose you could keep it for a little while-"  
  
The mops growled.  
  
"Forever!!! You can keep it forever."  
  
The group of possessed appliances turned back toward their god.  
  
The mazoku walked toward the exit. "Oh, well," he sniffled, "it's only a staff.BUT I NEED IT!!!!!!"  
  
With that, he ran back into the kitchen, determined to take back his staff.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Lemme see." Lina said to herself, flying over the archery. "Zelgadis should be around here somewhere."  
  
She spotted the target that had fallen off and the open door to the first aid station.  
  
She sighed. "What has he gotten into this time??"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Filia had gone off with Val to search for Gourry.  
  
"Gourry-san!!" she called into the forest. "I've got dinner!!"  
  
"Gourry!!" Val shouted. "Are you dead??"  
  
"Dear," the priestess said, "if he were dead, he couldn't answer."  
  
"But, he could be a ghost!!!"  
  
"Well, I suppose."  
  
The young dragon gasped. "A bunny!!!!"  
  
He grabbed a rabbit that had been hopping along and squeezed it until its eyes bugged out.  
  
"Valterria-chan!" Filia shrieked. "Put that filthy thing down! You don't know where it's been!!"  
  
"Um, yes I do," Val argued. "It's been right there where I found out!"  
  
Filia sighed. "Oh-kay, fine."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Amelia pulled a cell phone out of her bag.  
  
"Hello?" she wondered once she had dialed. "Yes, I need you to pick someone up for me, please? Yes.yes.insane. That's right. Thank-you, Mr. Person that I'm talking to over the phone!!"  
  
She put her phone away and turned back to the panicking Gourry.  
  
"Now, Mr. Gourry," the princess said, cautiously, "when the nice people come and give you the nice, pretty white sweater, I want you to be very good, oh-kay?"  
  
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!" he yelled, running into the kitchen.  
  
"Mr. Gourry!!!" Amelia ran after him.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Zelgadis?" Lina asked, coming into the rank-smelling hut. "Are you here?" She gasped. "Zelgadis?"  
  
The chimera lay sprawled on the floor, leaning against a cabinet. "I love the circus!!" he exclaimed, cheerfully.  
  
"Um.of course you do," the orange-haired sorceress agreed, smiling. "Why don't we leave and then we'll go to the circus together?"  
  
"Lalalalala, lalalalala, you're standing on my eye."  
  
"Zelgadis. Let's go."  
  
"I like cookies."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Amelia and Gourry stopped in their tracks when they saw Xelloss waging a war against a group of mops.  
  
"You'll never take her alive!!!" he cried, clasping onto his staff and trying to fight off the mops. Amelia frowned. "I hope they bring an extra jacket with them."  
  
Suddenly, Gourry remembered his leech and began madly running around the room.  
  
It took him about three whole minutes, but he managed to grab the insane rabbit, pull it out of his shirt, and throw it as far as he could.  
  
Unfortunately for Amelia, it landed on her.  
  
"Aww, hello there Mr. Bunny!" she cried, happily. "What are you- AAAAAHH!!!!" She screamed as the rabbit bit a hole in her shirt and started to gnaw on her bellybutton. "HELP ME HELP ME!!!! SAVE ME SAVE ME!!!!"  
  
"It serves you right for trying to send me to the funny farm," Gourry said, pouting.  
  
"GRRRR." Amelia growled. "MR. BUNNY HOW DARE YOU BITE MY ROYAL BELLYBUTTON???" She ripped off her shirt (thankfully, she had her usual shirt under the khaki outfit), and fireball'd the rabbit off of her.  
  
A bit singed, yet otherwise undamaged, the rabbit sailed through the air and landed on one of the mops, then began to shred its handle, viciously.  
  
One by one, all the mops were disintegrated.  
  
Xelloss thought it wise to get away from the chaos being caused.  
  
As the rabbit was finishing off the last mop, it turned and looked evilly at Amelia, Gourry, and Xelloss.  
  
The buxom princess turned to the two beside her and whispered, "Run."  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHH!!!" they screamed, jolting out of the building, and slamming the door behind them.  
  
They watched in revered awe, as the bunny minced the kitchen.  
  
Gourry looked over his shoulder upon hearing a sound. Amelia and Xelloss followed his actions. Lina was walking over, with Zelgadis draped over her shoulders, piggyback- style.  
  
"I like peanut butter!" the drugged chimera said, happily.  
  
"If you have any remorse or pity in your heart, don't ask," Lina begged.  
  
"Oh-kay," Xelloss nodded, "whatsa matter with him?"  
  
"I found him like this." The dragon slayer shrugged. "I think he may have had some bad coffee."  
  
Amelia sniffled. "POOR MR. ZELGADIS!!!" she shrieked, glomping him, and pulling him off of Lina's back. "Did you get a sunburn?"  
  
"Hey!!!" Xelloss cried, ecstatically. "He really did get a sunburn!! Look at his neck! It's green!"  
  
The others stared at the chimera's green skin.  
  
"Eew!!" Gourry stuck out his tongue.  
  
"I like sugar!!"  
  
The oujo sniffled again. "Mr. Zelgadis is traumatized for life!!!!!" she shouted, hugging him harder. "Which reminds me.MR. XELLOSS!!!"  
  
"YES, MISS AMELIA???" the mazoku loudly responded.  
  
"YOU MADE ME WALK INTO A POOL FILLED WITH PIRANHA!!!!"  
  
"Oops." He facefaulted. "I guess I forgot all about that.heh-heh."  
  
Amelia glared at him, then resumed her normal, chipper face. "Gimme a hug because life is wonderful!!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Xelloss screamed, trying to hide behind Gourry. "Look, you just stay there," he whispered to the swordsman. "You don't mind if she hugs you, right?"  
  
"Um.right." Gourry replied. "But I think she wants to hug you!"  
  
"NO SHE DOESN'T!!!!!"  
  
"Aw, c'mon!!" the blond pushed him forward toward Amelia's outstretched arms. "Everybody needs a hug!!"  
  
"NO!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"There, now, Mr. Xelloss, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Amelia asked.  
  
Xelloss had backed himself into a corner, shaking wildly. "Must.escape.cuteness."  
  
"So, where did Miss Filia and Baby Mr. Valgaav get to?" the princess wondered.  
  
"Well, last I saw them, they were looking for Gourry," Lina answered. "But, that was over an hour ago."  
  
"Zelgadis likes popcorn!!" Zelgadis cried, gathering attention from the group every few minutes.  
  
"Hello there, everyone!!" a voice called from a couple of yards away.  
  
Filia came jogging up, along with Val.  
  
"Hi!" Val exclaimed, happily.  
  
"I see you've found Gourry," Filia stated. "What's wrong with the namagomi?"  
  
"Amelia hugged him," Gourry told her. "I don't see why he's so happy-"  
  
"I AM NOT HAPPY, YOU DIMWIT!!!" Xelloss suddenly yelled, then continued shaking.  
  
"Zelgadis likes glue!"  
  
"And what's wrong with Zelgadis-san?" the dragon priestess asked, worriedly.  
  
"We don't know," Amelia answered, sadly. "Poor Mr. Zelgadis. He must be so scared."  
  
"Oh, um, Valterria, why don't you show everyone your new pet?" Filia asked.  
  
"Oh-kay!!" Val had been hiding his prize behind his back the entire time. He showed everyone the rabbit. "Ta-da!!"  
  
Gourry and Amelia were speechless. That didn't last very long.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! HELP ME SAVE ME HELP ME SAVE ME!!!" they both screamed, running around in circles.  
  
Val sniffled. "They don't like Bunny."  
  
"HOW DARE YOU MAKE my precious lil Valterria CRY, YOU BEHEMOTHS!!!!" Filia yelled, her tail popping out, along with her mace, as she chased the two around the field.  
  
"Zelgadis likes puppets!!"  
  
Lina sighed, went to the wall of the brick kitchen, and began hitting her head on it, saying, "I hate my life.I hate my life.I hate my life."  
  
A white truck pulled up. Two men in labcoats sat in the front seats.  
  
One of them said to the other, "I wonder which one we're supposed to take in."  
  
They surveyed the convulsing Xelloss, the self-destructing Lina, the hysterical Gourry and Amelia, the mace-happy Filia, the la-la land Zelgadis, and Val.  
  
"It looks like they've all lost it, except the kid," the second said.  
  
They deported from the van, strait jackets in tow.  
  
"Now, don't worry, kid," the first said to Val. "I promise they won't hurt you anymore."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Bye Filia-momma! Bye Lina-san, Gourry-san, Amelia-san, Zelgadis-san! Bye Uncle Xelloss!" Val called to his companions, who were all strapped in strait jackets and loaded in the back of the van. "I promise I'll visit you as much as I can!!"  
  
"I can't find my staff!!" Xelloss wailed.  
  
"You namagomi!!" Filia yelled, kicking him in the rear. "You brought my sweet, little Valterria over to the evil side!! He's calling you pet names!! How dare you!!"  
  
"Hey, does anybody else smell fudge?" Gourry asked, sniffing the air.  
  
"Shut up, Gourry," Lina barked out, suffering from a terrible migraine caused by the brick wall.  
  
"Mr. Zelgadis!" Amelia whined. "You're sitting on my arm!!"  
  
"Zelgadis like tofu!!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
-NoV ^_^_^_^_^_^_^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ 


End file.
